Assorted thoughts, ramblings and jokes. Kinda sorta...

Hi, its July 5th, the day where we clean up all the stuff we blew up last night. I am sure the founding Father's would be proud to know that allot of folks get drunk, eat meat, and light stuff on fire, not necessarily in that order. I thought I could get off cheap by buying a chunk of dry ice and making soda bottle bombs. The first one blew nicely, then the next one, a juicy juice bottle, expanded twice its normal size, and did nothing. I made a few others with the same effect. I guess plastic is stronger than it used to be. So I had a dilemma, cause I did not want to leave them there. I could picture a cat walking by and...POW, or worse yet, the paper boy. So, to fix the problem, I went and got an ax, and chopped at the first. It fizzed, and that was that, On to the next one, and POW! Cold liquid sprayed all over my face, and the bottle was in tatters. Ok, so I kicked the last one in the neighbors yard, but I don't think they have a cat.

My attempt at going to Beijing on the Olympic team is over. They said they do not have an event for solo synchronized swimming. Bummer. I wonder about the Special Olympics?

Do you know what they call a pig who cheats while playing hide-n-go seek? Peking Pork...

I was watching the show, America's got Talent the other night, and its true. Where else could you see a man belly slapping the Star Spangled Banner, or a lady who could burp the theme song from Cheers? I wonder if I could get on the show with my booger sculptures? One can dream...

Over on PBS, there is the now classic show, California's Gold with Hewell Howser. I have seen him get very excited over : Gravel, old women and their quilts, a rusty tractor, a tree stump, a man painting in Death Valley, hubcaps, a pile of old tires, a pet cemetery, and assorted other very common things. I am not making that up. His catchphrase is "That’s amazing!" One of the funniest moments was where he was in a restaurant that had an old picture of Bing Crosby on the wall. He convinced the manager to call the owner and talked to him over the phone. He excitedly asks, "so when did Bing Crosby visit your restaurant?" Oh, he never did, the owner explains, I bought that at a yard sale. "Oh," replies Hewell, "well, its still a great picture." That segment made the show! As Hewell would say, "That’s Amazing!"

If I had a tapeworm, I would name him Tippy. I am not sure why, it just sounds like a good name for a tapeworm.

If Vegetarians eat Vegetables, what do Humanitarians eat?

The names of Popeye's four nephews are Pipeye, Peepeye, Pupeye, and Poopeye! Honestly, I am not making that up.

It is against the law to mispronounce the name of the State of Arkansas in that State. Anyone wanna go to Are Kansas with me?

Speaking of laws and road trips, San Francisco has outlawed plastic bags at the grocery store. You can march, cavort or otherwise do just about anything you want to, ENTIRELY NAKED, but you cannot take your groceries home in a plastic bag. Yup, the priorities are right on. So, I am organizing a march in the streets of SF next month, where we put plastic bags all over our bodies and shout “Not just for fags, we want freedom for bags!” Let me know if you would like to attend. Lets get the guy who slaps his belly in song to lead us, and we can call up old Hewell and see if he can film us.
“That’s Amazing!”