Elmo must die.....

Let me preface my thoughts by saying, I too, once thought Elmo was cute. That fuzzy red fur, the high pitched voice and laugh, the “innocent” personality. But that has changed. Its over for little evil Elmo. Let me explain:
I grew up watching Sesame Street. I loved seeing the whole gang of characters, some human and most talking puppets, but they were very real to me. Actually, they still are. I admit, that I still tune in from time to time just to see how the old gang is doing. Its good to see Oscar still being a grouch in his garbage can with Wormy. Bert and Ernie must be thrilled that Gay marriage is being allowed now. The Bear family and Telly and Zoe. Big Bird and Snuffy, though when I was a child, Big Bird was the only one to ever see Snuffleupagus, while everyone else thought Big Bird was crazy. I hear that drove him to drink, and peck at Bob and the other cast members, so they made Suffy “real”. Cookie Monster always scarfing down, (can you say Bong hit?) the Count doing his thing, and Kermit, never content just being a Muppet, trying to get the spotlight on SS as well. At least Missy Piggy kicked his ass now and again! Then lets talk about my favorite, Grover, that cute fuzzy blue monster, who always had a smile and was kind to everyone. I loved his gravelly voice, and how he shared about different places in the world, he was simply the best.
Then Elmo came along. Like I said, I too was caught up in “Elmopallooza” in the beginning. “Ha ha ha, hey everyone, look how cute I am”, he seemed to say every time I saw him. Then his plan for World Dominance became clear. Slowly, he worked his way into the main spotlight, getting more screen time and more accolades along the way. The other cast members started resenting him, but he was becoming powerful. Kermit confronted him and tried to stop his evil plan, but a few days later found the head of Zoot, the saxophone player in the Muppet band, in his shower stall. Then Elmo began his plan to assimilate all the young minds in America, with the debut of Elmo’s World. His own show within a show, where he was the main focus. Its true, he allowed Mr. Noodle to cavort in the early days, but then Elmo got jealous, and Mr. Noodle died…..The truth is starting to dawn on you isn’t it? Elmo started referring to himself in the third person, “Elmo is hungry” rather than “I am hungry”. Those around him were bullied, as his star power grew. Then came “Tickle me Elmo“, the doll every child in America had to have. Then came Limbo Elmo, Chicken Dance Elmo and Lets Pretend Elmo. Finally, there was Elmo Knows Your Name, where Parents program him to remember their names, and Elmo programs the child for…..
He started showing up on the Rosie O donnell show, the View and Martha Stewart. They had a falling out and where did Martha end up? That’s right, Prison. He had his own DVD, Elmo in Grouchland, much to the chagrin of Oscar. Oscar complained but Elmo drove by Oscar's garbage can on a steamroller, smiling.
Then came the full length movie, Elmo saves Christmas. Always the hero! He also appeared on The West Wing, (with a fake President, but a with a plan to meet the real President) and actually was the first "puppet" ever to testify before Congress. They loved him, and his ego grew even more.
In reality, Elmo wants to become the Anti-Christ, and he is well on the way. In January 2006, controversy surrounded the book "Potty Time With Elmo" when a mother reported that pressing the buttons caused Elmo to say "Who wants to die?" The book's manufacturer said that this was not an isolated claim, and that they'd had many complaints about the book. In reply, Elmo claims he is saying "Who wants to try?" Right…. Also, In February 2008, a Florida woman claims an Elmo Knows Your Name doll threatened to kill her son by name, which prompted many others to come forward as well. Some have disappeared, and some have been put in the Loony Bin, but who is crazy now?
So, its true, Elmo must die, or the world as we know it will cease to exist. Now that I have come forward with the truth, its only a matter of time before an “accident” or ‘sickness’ will occur. That’s OK, as long as the truth is revealed, and I am remembered as someone who spoke up. Mom, if you find my head in your shower stall, you know who did it.
As a sad footnote, Grover is now homeless, living in a dumpster behind K-mart, smoking crack. The Grover you see on Sesame street is a stand in stunt double. They use voice recordings from old shows to make him talk. Some of the other cast members are now dead, but I cannot say which ones. So sad….
Elmo must die……(disclaimer: the above article is purely fiction….or is it?)